New Year's Jokes

13. Robert Downey, Jr.: I promise to stay clean and sob- Ahhhh! Spiders! Get them off!!

12. Harry Potter: Use powers for neither good nor evil, but rather just for gettin' some.

11. Jennifer Lopez: I must come up with *some* way to get people to notice me.

10. Christina Aguilera: Take down that little slut Britney before she steals my spread in Playboy.

9. Calista Flockhart: Shed the extra quarter of a pound gained during holiday season from eating that half slice of summer sausage.

8. Eminem: Let people see more of my "happy, smiley" side.

7. David Letterman: Less "goofy" - more "wacky."

6. Saddam Hussein: Become the undisputed master of "Tekken" on PlayStation 2.

5. Bill Clinton: Quit holding back and start getting it on!

4. Samuel L. Jackson: Try to mix in a motherf**kin' expletive every now and then.

3. Catherine Zeta-Jones: Figure out how to get that "old person smell" out of everything I own.

2. Pets.com sock puppet: Finally get this fist outta my ass.

and the Number 1 Celebrity New Year's Resolution...

1. George W. Bush: Learn one presidential-type thing every day, starting with memorizing my Beers of the World poster.